walls

at last, i have found time to write again. my house is quiet and smells good (thank you febreze) and it is 2am. ive been thinking about what i would write for my next blog post. praying about things on my heart, lessons God has been teaching me lately, and trying to become as transparent as possible.

this girl here is a mess.

you see, ive spent years building some really sturdy, heavily fortified walls in my life. ive let events in my life turn my heart away to darkness and to "protect" myself ive put these walls up. for years. between me and everybody. and something that ive been learning lately (one of those lessons where God sort of shakes you up...) is that those walls don't protect anything. they isolate. so this is what happened: i would get angry, hurt, lonely, etc and would allow those feelings to have free reign of what i put the wall up around: my heart. i was the shell of the person that God had intended me to be. and the truth is- i am tired. tired of putting these walls up and not knowing why anymore. its become automatic. its turned into a natural reaction when stuff gets hard. and im tired of building as if the hard stuff doesnt exist.

i've been takin' my time
 buildin' these walls that
 i'm hidin' behind
 i've been diggin' these trenches
 an' paintin' these fences
 to hide what's inside

"never" by hyland

thats not who i want to be. most importantly, i want to be who God has called me to be: an encourager to help strengthen and uplift. i want to help others who are lost find these way to the Healer. and if im building these walls, how am i building anything for the Kingdom? ive started to take these walls down. somedays it's only a couple of bricks, other days, i got at it with a sledge hammer. i deal with the muck of my sinfulness. my pride. my anger. my vengence. my [insert everything] that ive let become an idol before Christ.

i feel peace. i starting to feel the joy that i have been fighting for. and most importantly, i feel (and know!) love. loved in my mess and mistakes. loved as i run hard after the truths of the Scripture and pursue with passion our Savior.